Hell Gates Tango
by Laburnum Steelfang
Summary: Filk to Cell Block Tango. Contains OOCness which would be inexcusable except in filk, crack pairings, one instance of hinted slash, and lots of character death because, well, it's Cell Block Tango.


_Sung to the tune of "Cell Block Tango"._

_(The music begins in darkness, slowly and quietly, punctuated by the occasional offstage scream. Fire lights up an endless plain of burning sand under a dark red, sunless sky. A patch of smoother sand forms a crude stage. The singers stand on it, in silhouette. As they are revealed one by one by flares of flame, we see they are chained, dressed in rags and have their own blood crusted in their fur._

_BLUEFEN _

_(makes chopping motion with one paw)_

Chop.

_SAGITAR _

_(holds up six claws)_

Six.

_SILVAMORD _

_(makes stabbing motion)_

Squish.

_KURDA _

_(shakes head)_

Uh-uh.

_CELANDINE _

_(clasps paws to bosom)_

Noonvale.

_TAZZIN_

_(makes slicing motion across throat)_

Slitfang.

_CREEPY VOICE (from offstage)_

And now, the six merry murderesses of Hellgates Circle Seven in their rendition of the Hell Gates Tango!

_BLUEFEN_

Chop.

_SAGITAR_

Six.

_SILVAMORD_

Squish.

_KURDA_

Uh-uh.

_CELANDINE_

Noonvale.

_TAZZIN_

Slitfang.

_BLUEFEN_

Chop.

_SAGITAR_

Six.

_SILVAMORD_

Squish.

_KURDA_

Uh-uh.

_CELANDINE_

Noonvale.

_TAZZIN_

Slitfang.

_ALL_

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

_CELANDINE_

I betcha you would have done the same!

_(Bluefen steps forward, holding up the remains of her skirt to prevent them tangling in her ankle chains.)_

_BLUEFEN (Spoken)_

You know how creatures have these little habits that get you down? Like Swartt. Swartt used to kill little mice. No, not just kill. Chop. So I came in this one day, and I'm really irritated, and I'm looking for a little sympathy, and there's Swartt, lying in the tent, swilling wine and killing a mouse. No, not killing. Chopping. So I said to him, I said, "Swartt, you chop that mouse one more time ..." and he did. So I snatched a longbow from the guard and fired a warning shot ... into his head.

_(She steps back into line with a demure curtsey.)_

_ALL_

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have heard it

I betcha you would

Have done the same!

_(Sagitar swaggers forward, scowling.)_

_SAGITAR (Spoken)_

I met Emperor Ublaz from Sampetra about two seasons ago, and he told me he was single and we hit it off right away. So we started living together. We'd go off terrorising, we'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner. And then I found out. "Single", he told me. Single my tail. Not only was he married ... oh no, he had six wives. Emperor's prerogative to keep a harem, you know? So that night, when he came home, I mixed him his drink as usual. You know, some males just can't hold their wolfbane.

_(She smirks evilly and steps back into line.)_

_ALL_

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself

To blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

I betcha you would

Have done the same

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself

to blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

I betcha you would

Have done the same!

_BLUEFEN, SAGITAR, SILVAMORD, CELANDINE_

Hah! He had it coming

He had it coming

He took a flower

In its prime

And then he used it

And he abused it

It was a murder

But not a crime!

_CELANDINE AND KURDA_

Chop, six, squish, uh-uh, Noonvale, Slitfang . . .

_(Silvamord struts forward, insofar as one can strut with one's ankles chained together, smiling.)_

_SILVAMORD (Spoken)_

Now, I'm standing in the dungeon carvin' up a rabbit for dinner, minding my own business, and in storms my husband Urgan Nagru, in a jealous rage. "You been screwin' some otter," he says. He was crazy and he kept on screamin', "you been screwin' some otter." And then he ran into my sword. He ran into my sword ten times!

_(She steps back into line with a snigger.)_

_ALL_

Chop, Six, Squish, Uh-uh, Noonvale, Slitfang

Chop, Six, Squish, Uh-uh, Noonvale, Slitfang

Chop, Six, Squish, Uh-uh, Noonvale, Slitfang

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

I betcha you would have done the same!

_(Kurda steps out, cowering and wringing her paws.)_

_KURDA (Spoken, sounding scared and miserable, with a hint of trying too hard to sound innocent)_

Was mache ich hier? Warum sagen sie, die Richter von Höllentoren, die ich meinen Bruder und Schnitt ab seinem Kopf mit einer Axt hinunter gehalten habe? Ich weiß nicht, warum sie dem großen Herrn Vulpuz erzählt haben, dass ich dies machte. Ich habe versucht, zu ihnen zu erklären, aber sie verstehen nicht.

_SILVAMORD (Spoken)_

Yeah, but did you do it?

_KURDA (Spoken) (shrugs, smiles ruefully)_

Uh-huh, guilty!

_(She steps back, no longer cowering, and glares at Silvamord, who smirks and winks.)_

_(Celandine steps forward theatrically, and blows kisses in all directions before beginning. Tazzin hisses "Hey, what's a woodlander doing here?" and Silvamord pokes her and snaps "Be quiet!")_

_CELANDINE (Spoken)_

My sister, Trefoil and I had this double act and my husband, Felldoh, traveled round with us. Now, for the last number in our act, we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row. One, two, three, four, five...splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the show we are down at the Noonvale Inn, the three of us, boozing, having a few laughs, and we run out of ice. So I go out to get some. I come back, open the door and there's Trefoil and Felldoh doing Number Seventeen - the spread eagle.

_ALL_

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had

Himself to blame.

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

tricks in a row, one, two, three,

I betcha

You would

Have done

The same!

He had

It coming

He had it coming...

_CELANDINE (Spoken) (staring down at her paws)_

Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my paws, I even knew they were dead.

_(She steps back, wiping her paws on her torn dress.)_

_ALL_

They had it coming

They had it coming

They had it coming all along

I didn't do it

But if I'd done it

How could you tell me that I was wrong?

_CELANDINE_

They had it coming

_ALL_

They had it coming

_CELANDINE_

They had it coming

_ALL_

They had it coming

_CELANDINE_

They had it coming

_ALL_

They took a flower

_CELANDINE_

All along

_ALL_

In its prime

_CELANDINE_

I didn't do it

_ALL_

And then they used it

_CELANDINE_

But if I'd done it

How could you tell me

That I was wrong?

_(Tazzin steps forward, scratching casually at her manacles.)_

_TAZZIN (Spoken)_

I loved my old messmate Slitfang more than I can possibly say. He was a real good battler ... swordfighter ... soon became first mate of the ship. But he was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night looking for himself and on the way he found Kurda _(glares at Kurda, who grins)_, Fatty, Riggan and Scummy. I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive and I saw him dead.

_(She snickers and steps back.)_

_ALL_

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had

Himself to blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

I betcha

You would

Have done

The same!

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

_BLUEFEN, SAGITAR, TAZZIN_

They had it comin'

_CELANDINE, SILVAMORD,KURDA_

They had it comin'

_BLUEFEN, SAGITAR, TAZZIN_

They had it comin'

_CELANDINE, SILVAMORD, KURDA_

They had it comin'

_BLUEFEN, SAGITAR, TAZZIN_

They had it comin'

_CELANDINE, SILVAMORD, KURDA_

They had it comin'

_BLUEFEN, SAGITAR, TAZZIN_

All along

_CELANDINE, SILVAMORD, KURDA_

All along

'Cause if they used us

'Cause if they used us

And they abused us

And they abused us

_BLUEFEN, SAGITAR, TAZZIN_

How could you tell us

_CELANDINE, SILVAMORD, KURDA_

How could you tell us

That we were wrong?

That we were wrong?

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had

Himself

To blame.

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

I betcha

You would

Have done

The same!

_BLUEFEN (Spoken)_

You chop that mouse one more time!

_SAGITAR (Spoken)_

Single my tail.

_SILVAMORD (Spoken)_

Ten times!

_KURDA (Spoken)_

Ich habe eine Lüge erzählt, machte ich es!

_CELANDINE (Spoken)_

Number seventeen - the spread eagle.

_TAZZIN (Spoken)_

Artistic differences.

_BLUEFEN_

Chop!

_SAGITAR_

Six!

_SILVAMORD_

Squish!

_KURDA_

Uh-huh!

_CELANDINE_

Noonvale!

_TAZZIN_

Slitfang!

**(Author's notes: The description of "Hellgates Circle Seven" was stolen from Dante's "Inferno", where it described the Seventh Circle of Hell, home of violent sinners. Kurda's German is a rough translation of Hunyak's Hungarian from the original song, with modifications to make it fit the filking. My version translates as; "What am I doing here? Why do they say, the judges of Hellgates, that I held down my brother and cut off his head with an axe? I do not know why they have told the great Lord Vulpuz that I did this. I tried to explain to them but they do not understand." Vulpuz is the Lord of Hellgates, according to _Taggerung._ Her final sentence near the end of the song translates roughly as "I told a lie, I did it!", which has nothing to do with the original version as Hunyak was innocent, but Kurda wasn't, so it fit. Besides, I couldn't find a translation for the Hungarian line. Did you notice I switched her line from the negative "Uh-uh" to a positive "Uh-huh" after her monologue? That was deliberate. As for Tazzin's line, three of the characters mentioned are female, while Scummy was male – same structure as the original song, but it's hard to spot that with gender-neutral names.)**


End file.
